I am not what one would refer to as domestic. I am in my 30's, I don't own a home, I can't knit, I don't have any kids (I have dogs I treat like kids, but that just makes me weird), and I don't shop from a list.
Yeah, I know - I cook. Most people who say they're not very domestic can't cook for shit. But you see, while I cook all the time, I very rarely cook anything easy or practical. To me, cooking is supposed to be ridiculous. It's making dumplings from scratch at 9:30 on a Tuesday night or buying $40 worth of shit with the labels in Korean, not putting dinner on the table after work. I almost never do that.
"But you probably do other things that are reasonably domestic," you say. I say probably not.
Thursday night I had to attend an industry awards show with S. It's a somewhat fancy ordeal, with hairdos and cocktail dresses and things. I ran home from work and realized I had 1 hour to be ready. I put about 3/4 of a can of dry shampoo in my hair (which is the world's most amazing thing, if you haven't tried it), teased it until it could walk on its own, wrapped it into a 'messy bun' and then did my bangs in hopes that no one would notice I was wearing a coconut-scented tumbleweed on my head.
You see, I was really counting on my dress to carry the brunt of my look. A few months back I bought two dresses for a formal wedding. The one I hadn't worn was sitting in my closet, tags still on. It's a pretty, dark green, sateen dress from French Connection with one shoulder and a bow and pleats and pockets and all sorts of delightful shit.
Unfortunately, it was pretty wrinkled from being jammed in my closet for 4 months. Now - I have a steam cleaner, which works wonderfully to get the wrinkles out of nice fabrics. But, a) I had 15 minutes and b) I am a lazy asshole. Mostly B. So I decided to just use the steam setting on the $8 iron from Walmart that I keep jammed in the back of a cupboard, which I only own because I think adults are supposed to have irons.
I filled the water and turned it to the highest steam setting (FYI - this is also the highest heat setting. In case you're as dumb as I am). I got about half of the way across the skirt succesfully. Then that stupid piece of shit iron decided to stop steaming for just a moment, instantly melting a big, v-shaped spot in the crotch of my dress.
COOOOOOOL.
You'll be relieved to know that I didn't wear the dress. Instead I wore a shirt I got for free, a $7 skirt from JC Penney, and some Naturalizers. It was better than it sounds. I think.
Anyway - I'm not good at June Cleaver shit. And I'm not sad about it; I like to think of my skill set as urban and sophisticated.
Yet, I did something terrible the other day. Not at all urban or sophisticated. In my quest to eat something reasonably healthy and quick for breakfast on weekdays... I made a set of freezer meals.
You might not think there's anything wrong with freezer meals. But I have this image of the person who makes freezer meals in my head - they have a bob and wear button-downs and khakis and drive a mini-van and don't find those bracelets from Pandora to be a crime against humanity.
I am not a freezer-meal person.
I do yoga and have beachy hair and know what jicama is.
I AM NOT A FREEZER MEAL PERSON.
But then, it turned out that freezer breakfast burritos are f-ing awesome. And I just couldn't keep something like that from you. Pride be damned.
I give you Make-Ahead Freezer Breakfast Burritos.
Heavily adapted from Bits of Everything.
These bad boys pack some legit stats: 262 calories, 4 g of fat, 7 g of fiber, only 10 mg of cholesterol, and 16 g of protein. THAT is BREAKFAST, bitches.
You'll need:
- 8 large flour tortillas (I used La Banderita large soft taco tortillas)
- 1 red bell pepper, diced
- 1/2 a white onion, diced
- cooking spray
- 1 tube (14 oz) Gimme Lean sausage
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 tsp pepper
- 1/8 tsp red pepper flakes
- 1/2 tsp smoked paprika
- 1 cup shredded queso blanco (drop or sub the cheese to make me vegan!)
- 2 cups frozen shredded hash brown potatoes
These are pretty easy, especially compared to my usual ridiculousness. You'll need one big skillet, some paper towels, and some freezer bags.
Cut the tube of sausage into discs. It's MUCH easier to do this with the wrapper on. Just use a serrated knife to get through the plastic packaging. Remember to remove the plastic before you cook it (or don't, I don't care really).
Heat the skillet over medium heat and give it a generous spray of cooking spray. Cook the sausage discs until browned, then flip and cook the other side. Set them on paper towels to cool.
Using the same skillet, add more cooking spray and saute the onions and peppers until translucent. Season with salt, pepper, smoked paprka, and crushed red pepper. These bastards are SPICY. You may want to take it down a bit if you're not into spice. Add the hash brown potatoes, stir well, and cook until the potatoes are done, about 5 minutes.
Dice the cooled sausage into little pieces. Add it to the pepper/potato mix and transfer the whole thing to your assembly area.
Scoop 3-4 large spoonfuls of filling into each tortilla. Top with some cheese and roll 'er up. If you're unfamiliar with how to fold a burrito so that it doesn't bust open and go everywhere, here's the idea:
Put your filling in a line toward one edge of the tortilla.
Fold the sides in, and then the back edge closest to the filling.
Wrap that edge all the way over the filling and tuck it underneath.
Fold the sides in again and continue rolling until you're finished.
Fold a paper towl in half and wrap the burrito in it. Place the burritos in freezer bags and you're in business. When you're ready to eat them, just heat for a minute in the microwave, flip it and go for another 30 seconds on the other side, and jam it in your face.
Perfectly domesticated recipe here.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012 
